My name is Jonathan Janz. I am a parent. And I am a sufferer of…

…a pernicious and emotionally damaging condition. This condition is recurring, it is chronic, and for years I and millions of other parents have suffered from it in silence.

That’s right, folks. I’m talking about Wet Sock.

The Plague of the Twenty-First Century
The Plague of the Twenty-First Century

No, don’t make jokes. “Wet Sock” isn’t the name of a scene in the new Judd Apatow movie. It’s a very real, very powerful condition. It occurs whenever a seven, five, or two-year-old attempts to procure a drink from the kitchen sink. It occurs every time one of them attempts to use ice. Chronic Retrieval of Ice Deficit (or “CROIDs” as it sometimes known) is another medical condition from which I suffer, and this often results in Wet Sock. After struggling for forty minutes or longer trying to pick up a single, elusive ice cube from our kitchen floor without success, I often give up. But I do so with the knowledge that Wet Sock will strike again soon. It will happen to my wife. My children. It will happen to me.

A Reproduction of My Back Porch
A Reproduction of My Back Porch

It is time for the silent suffering to end. We must take measures now to put an end to this blight on parenthood, this plague on humanity. Ten minutes ago my five-year-daughter changed our icemaker setting to “Crushed.” I knew then what might happen. Sure enough, a flood of minuscule granules of ice began tumbling over the edge of her already full cup, showering the floor with ice and making both CROIDs and Wet Sock an inevitability.

Early Stages of the Dreaded CROIDS
Early Stages of the Dreaded CROIDS

I’m writing this plea having just changed socks. No man should have to endure this. The most any male should have to change socks is twice per week. Three times maximum, but that’s only if I’ve spent a day wading through manure and dead animal carcasses, or worse, after an evening of being dragged through the mall by my wife.

The Average Male Sock
The Average Male Sock

The time to act is now, folks.

And if you haven’t yet checked out the FREE first installment of my new serial horror novel, you can do so at the links below.

Amazon

Barnes & Noble

Samhain Publishing

Kobo

iTunes

All Proceeds from Free Installment Go to CROIDS Research
All Proceeds from Free Installment Go to CROIDs Research

11 thoughts on “My name is Jonathan Janz. I am a parent. And I am a sufferer of…

  1. This is why I don’t WEAR socks!! It’s always flip flops in the kitchen for me. Then I hear Tim yell, after ball games, “damn it!!” after entering the kitchen. To which the kids yell “OH, the cat dumped his water bowl again!” to which I respond “my feet are dry, I wore flip flops!” hahahaha Anyway, funny post dude…funny….now where is the post about the PARTY????

    Like

  2. More worrying is that you appear to be suffering from “white sock” syndrome.

    Repeat the following mantra and all your problems will end:

    Fetch a cloth. Fetch a cloth. Fetch a cloth now.

    Join us in the dark socks…

    Like

    1. Dark socks…yes…dark socks sound very good. Whether they prove more durable or not, they’ll certainly hide the accumulated dirt of five days and nights more effectively.

      Yes…dark socks…

      I think I’m coming over to the dark sock side.

      Like

  3. Socks? What are these socks you speak of? We never wear socks; don’t use the icemaker and the cats drink from a water fountain. Problem solved!

    Now – the real fear is between the covers of Night Shivers… YIKES

    Like

    1. You know, I never thought of it that way. Perhaps I will convert to the realm slipperdom this summer. And perhaps I’ll disable the icemaker to discourage the little choppers.

      Horror World, I think you’re onto something here! 🙂

      Like

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