My wife and I’ve had the following conversation about a dozen times since I started this blog:

Wife: Why don’t you ever post about writing?

Me: I do. I talk about The Sorrows, House of Skin, The Darkest—

Wife: That’s not what I mean. I mean writing. I mean how to write and how to get published. That’s what a lot of people want to know.

Me: Yeah, but who am I to talk about that stuff?

And around we go. Basically, the reason I haven’t shared any of my thoughts about writing and getting published is primarily that I don’t want it to seem like I think I’m an expert. Because I don’t. At all.

Stephen King is qualified to talk about writing. Jack Ketchum is qualified too. Joe R. Lansdale, Larry McMurtry, and Joyce Carol Oates are incredible authors as well, so I’d definitely consider them qualified. I’d listen to Cormac McCarthy give advice about writing. I’d sit in awestruck joy while J.K. Rowling talked about…well, anything. And hearing Elmore Leonard explain his thoughts on the craft would be like hearing Greg Maddux talk about how to outsmart a hitter.

Yeah, those people I’d listen to. But me? Are you nuts? Wifey, are you reading this?

Having said all those things, I’m about to break my silence on the aforementioned topics. No, this isn’t going to transform into a how-to blog or a so-called blueprint for how to get published. But yeah, I’ve got a few thoughts on those matters, and I’ve decided to share them from time to time.

But there’s only one condition. Are you ready?

My condition is that you don’t start seeing me as a pompous know-it-all. What do you mean, you already do?! Then get the hell out of here!

Kidding. Mostly. But I do want everyone to know that I offer my thoughts humbly, unaffectedly, and that I don’t consider myself a master of anything. Except maybe Thomas the Train voices. I do rock those. And I fully intend—if I get famous someday—to join Alec Baldwin, George Carlin, and Ringo Starr in the illustrious line of Sodorian narrators. You just wait until I drop my Gordon impression on you. You think you’ve heard Gordon before? I’ll show you Gordon.

And I’ll share some thoughts on writing and publishing. Soon.

Have a good night!