Hello reading audience and devoted fans. I have hijacked JJ’s blog because I don’t think he is that interesting. I thought perhaps we should zhuzh things up for readers because there is only so much you can say about your own work. In addition I can provide you with helpful household hacks and crock pot recipes. He SO can’t do that. For example, maxi pads make for great floor cleaners and are SO much cheaper than Swiffer. Boom!
I am also the horrible, horrible person behind the now weekly “Hey Girl…” Facebook posts (Go to Jonathan Janz’s Sunday Facebook posts–the posts in which he’s tagged). It really was a random act of immaturity one day upon finding his high school albums in the attic after our renovation and snickering as if I had just come upon condoms in my parents’ nightstand. He tells me that his fashion was on point in his tiny town of Monticello. I have no other choice than to believe him. There is so much documentation leading me to believe that no one would possibly take so many goofy pictures if they didn’t think they were sizzling hot.
As the wife of an author, I get asked the same questions quite often, so I thought in addition to the maxi pad hack, I would take this time to answer the most frequently asked questions.
Q: Do you read his books?
A: I REALLY like those shoes you are wearing! Are they Vegan?
Q: Do you ever find descriptions of yourself or your life in the books?
A: After he wrote is first novel, I was clambering to read it and in the first chapter there was a description of a girl that was in her 30s (me) drove a gold Honda Civic (me) who had brown hair (me) with greenish blue eyes (me) that was intelligent (duh, CLEARLY me) and wore Spanx (I may have dabbled.) I asked how he knew about Spanx and he said he had just heard about them on the internet or whatever. No. Not WHATEVER. You can’t friggin’ put things in the books that give away my secrets to svelteness. I have upped my girdle game but still. He denies it to this day. He also killed her off so, there’s that.
Q: Do you help edit his books as a pre-reader?
A: Yes. Once. It was the worst decision we ever made as a married couple. I was 8 months pregnant with our second child and was sitting outside in the warm June sun, feet in the ducky wading pool, reading the first draft and came upon pages of descriptions that included white panties, supple breasts, rounded buttocks, dark long hair and I almost blew my engorged pregnant top. I could not handle reading this type of thing while I sat there with a belly so large I hadn’t seen my feet in months.
I now understand that when you write, you, in a sense, step into an alternate reality in order to create characters and story lines. I clearly had what we lady folk like to call “pregnancy brain” when I agreed to edit the book.
Also, people, puh-lease. He has been teaching English and Creative Writing classes for 20 years. Do you think it went well when I tried to suggest something grammatically? No. No it did not.
Q: How much money does an author make?
Q: Where does he get these sick and twisted ideas when he is such a nice, sweet guy?
A: I’m sure if I got inside your head, you would have a lot of sick and twisted shit going on inside there that would make Savage Species look tame. He just happens to be really great at putting it down on page. He is a nice, sweet, kind, loving, man that enjoys exploring the dark side of the human psyche.
Q: Why does he write under a psuedonym? I thought you were married to two men!
A: As he says himself, his audience is rated R and he teaches tweens through teens at the local public school so it made sense to separate the two.
I have to say, it’s super duper fun to be married to someone that has an alter ego because I then have an excuse to shop at Hot Topic and bedazzle his jeans for conventions (we call him Convention Craig).
Conclusion: Those are the most frequently asked questions but I would love to hear from you in your comments below with any questions you have for the spouse of a writer. I am also quite narcissistic and would like to believe that I am the sole reason that this blog post will get at least 27 hits.
Next month stay tuned for an incredible crockpot chicken curry, household hacks and stuff.