Excerpt from Life of an Insomniac Writer

Me (eyes shuttering open at 3:54 in the morning): What?

Voices (sitting on the edge of the bed like Kramer in one of my favorite Seinfeld episodes, the one where Kramer decides to change his sleep schedule to become more productive): Hey.

Kramer on Seinfeld's Bed

Me (with an edge): What?

Voices: I was thinking, you know that series you’re going to write?

Me (sighing): What about it?

Voices: I thought of your main character’s name.

Me: That’s great. Now let me go back to sleep.

Voices: It’s (removed for several reasons).

Me (pauses, thinks): Why is that his name?

Voices: It’s not his real name, he got it from (rambles on for approximately twenty-one minutes, provides detailed, fully-formed back story, not only for character, but for some of his family).

Me: Wait…so the big thing that happened….it was twelve years ago?
Voices: Or ten. (The non-existent but somehow expressive eyes light up with that blazing, unquenchable fever, that all-consuming need to share.) See, that’s how it all happened! It was the (removed) from (removed) who decided to…(talks uninterruptedly for another forty minutes)…and then you’re at the scene, the one you already have planned out! What do you think?

Me (chewing my lip): Hm.

Voices: Well?

Me (glances up at Voices): It’s good.

Voices: Right?

Me: Can I go back to bed now?

Voices (cocks an eyebrow, stares at me)

Me: I’m tired.

Voices: No, you’re not.

Me: Okay, I *was* tired.

Voices: You’re wide awake now.

Me: But I shouldn’t be. I need sleep, dammit. Four hours isn’t enough.

Voices: You never get more than five anyway.


Voices (grins): See, you’re wide awake.

Me (glances around the dark bedroom, as if help will intervene from somewhere): You realize my eyes are sore.

Voices: Poor baby.

Me: And I have a bad cold. My nose is dripping like a faulty spigot.

Voices: You want a hug?

Me (rolls over, showing my back): Piss off.

Voices (patting my flank): Come on, princess. It’s time to write.

Me: Ten more minutes?

Voices: You know that won’t work.

Me: Because of YOU.

Voices (chuckles)

Me (grumbling, tosses back covers, hobbles out of bed)

Voices: There you go…one foot in front of the other…

Me: Shut up.

Voices (for the first time completely serious): Oh no. (shakes head). Oh my goodness no. Shut up is the one thing I won’t do.

Me (opens computer)


One thought on “Excerpt from Life of an Insomniac Writer

  1. I love it! Especially the Come on, princess. It’s time to write” line….glad your wife got to keep sleeping though:_


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